Cellphone-induced Ranting

The Rant family, RantWoman, RantMom and all of little sister's household are on the threshold of Decisions about cellphone plans and cellphone equipment.

Arriving at this juncture is half a choice, half not. We have all been coexisting remarkably well on a Qwest family plan for almost the length of the original contract. RantMom has delighted in being able to call her children easily. Little Sister has thrived in her capacity to talk endlessly while in transit, while juggling other calls from her adoring public, talking to her husband, her kid's school, a whole constellation of medical providers and bureaucracies. Even RantWoman has on balance been grateful for this round of foray in to mobile phonery.

We have been coexisting well on the same plan, but we had already decided we should not overdo it. Then our wireless provider started sending out printed alerts and text messages reminding us ever more forcefully that we need to Make a Change. We are likely to stick with the option taking over as wireless partner for current service. For one thing, if we all change in the same direction, we will get unlimited minutes talking to each other. There is just nothing like unlimited opportunity to inject one side of the family drama du jour into the hustle and bustle of a crowded bus.

Little Sister and her household get to figure out their own options. RantWoman has a little been fretting about RantMom who does not search the internet and really, really, really prefers talking to a human in person or promptly on the telephone, thank you very much. Last night RantWoman and a buddy paid a visit to a Verizon retail outlet. A charming young man tells RantWoman that RantMom can just bring her old phone in and swap it for a comparable model! RantWoman will suggest RantMom look at the list and decide cautiously if they try to upsell her but RantMom is a grownup and can decide on her own about that. More importantly, Verizon has a senior citizens plan which will save RantMom a chunk over previous plans. This all sounds GOOD!

So now we come to RantWoman. RantWoman has been busily paying the same price as everyone else, in effect subsidizing the rest of her family's convenience in trying to reach her despite the fact that RantWoman has absolutely no way of using half the features that are supposed to send cellphone users into orbit. RantWoman is happy enough with tactile buttons that light up and with a setting that displays the time, the number being dialed, an incoming number and incoming text messages in a size RantWoman can approximately with great difficulty read.

However, RantWoman's phone features a whole macrame project of menus and services that RantWoman can do little more about than poke through. RantWoman cannot read the menus. RantWoman cannot interact with the address book.RantWoman cannot even see to SEND outgoing text messages. There is a a manual in microscopic print that possibly explains a few buttons RantWoman still has not figured out. RantWoman has thought of fishing around on the web for a copy of the manual she can read. She has NOT thought of subjecting RantMom to an manual-reading tortures. In other words, RantWoman is decidedly underwhelmed.

By amazing internet coincidence, RantWoman has been talking with a few other people who are decidedly underwhelmed for exactly the same reasons RantWoman is underwhelmed. One of them has even gone to the trouble of filing a complaint with the FCC. For various reasons, RantWoman does not have standing to join this specific complaint, but RantWoman really does want the forces of competition to get their collective acts together.

RantWoman really does not want to have to file complaints with anyone. RantWoman does not want to scream her screen reader over acres of telco fine print to sort out equipment specs and contract esoterica. RantWoman wants to be able to walk into the phone store like any ohter human being, encounter a knowledgeable salesperson familiar with accessibility features, put her hands on a couple different models and then get on to making choices about other aspects of service.

While we are at it, RantWoman wants, in no particular order:

--options to display ALL menus and interfaces in 3-4 different sizes with a context-sensitive arrow around option if needed to make more of an item understandable.

--some key sequence that can be pressed for audible indications of signal strength / lack of signal / roaming issues

--a similar key sequence for info about battery status and audible alerts if the battery is running down.

--talking caller ID and an accessible way to set short audible signals for numbers in one's address book. RantWoman has heard of ringtones. She would really like an accessible way of setting up ringtones.

--An option to read every menu item aloud

-- each number should be spoken (RantWoman's current phone does do this.)

--options for reading incoming and outgoing text messages aloud or in enlarged format.

--full screen reader access for email or internet applications and functionality.

RantWoman really wants all these features built into her phone for the same price as everyone else pays for crap RantWoman cannot use. RantWoman has no desire to pay full price for a bunch of stuff she cannot use and then have to buy a top-end phone AND pay $300 extra for software to use features everyone else takes for granted.

RantWoman does not think she or anyone else should have to buy any particular phone (usually not cheap) or any particular plan with features and minutes she may not need in order to get the phone.

RantWoman can fathom the possibility of hooking her phone up to her computer to do SOME of setup items listed here, but if that is the approach used, RantWoman should not have to pay extra for the dumb cable needed to make the hookup.

More rotten truth: RantWoman wants a Blackberry and knows there is not yet any screen reader for the Blackberry. RantWoman also wants a Netbook though she suspects that she needs to beef up the RAM to run a screen reader, software she already owns. In both cases the monthly service charges might give RantWoman heart failure. RantWoman is also totaling all these wants and issues up in her head and MAYBE she is going to try some version of "Let's make a Deal." Just watch!