Day of the Living Lentils

RantMom: How long do you cook lentils?

RantWoman: until they're done, Mom, until they're done.

In the eyes of RantMom, RantWoman is the family expert. RantWoman is embarrassed to have that the limit of her expertise, or almost the limit.

Lentils were not really a big culinary idiom in the RantFamily household of RantWoman's childhood. There were a few fitful forays into Frances Moore Lappe's Diet for a Small Planet but as far as RantWoman recalls these forays did not include lentils.

Off RantWoman went to college far, far away. RantWoman acquired vegetarian housemates and herself flirted with vegetarianism, at least between trips to the hoagie shop. RantWoman also acquired housemates who considered Moosewood and the Enchanted Broccoli Forest practically holy writ.

At some point, RantWoman returned home with a certain missionary enthusiasm for WA's favorite legume crop. Wait, that's foreshadowing. At the time RantWoman paid not a whit of attention, beyond what line to mark on a bulk food order or how to find the bulk bins, to how lentils appeared in her food supply.

They do have lentils in MT. The RantFamily was, um, cautious: "We sent you away far away from our big BTU-intensive livestock-producing home country to get edumacated and you come home...cooking lentils?" Yeah.

The RantFamily was good-natured about RantWoman's missionary efforts. That is, there were no mealtime mutinies. There was not exactly rabid enthusiasm either.

This is one reason RantWoman is still what passes for the family expert about cooking lentils. Then there would be expertise about RantMom. RantMom used to be a bigger legume fan than she is now; turns out losing 12" of colon to colon cancer surgery really cuts into one's body's ability to digest legumes without a lot of flatulence. RantMom is MUCH too decorous a person to want to put up with flatulence.

Turns out, RantMom has a recipe calling for red lentils which, as far as RantWoman knows, cook faster than the green ones RantMom means to use in the recipe. RantWoman has some red lentils she has not gotten around to cooking. If RantWoman had known RantMom needed red lentils in sync with her last visit to RantMom's....

RantWoman is touch actually. First there are the indications of RantMom's extreme reverence about RantWoman's lentil-cooking prowess. Still Rantwoman is sorry not quite to live up to RantMom's expectations when it comes to cooking WA's favorite legume crop. Look, okay, it's advice from an expert: cook them until they are done.

RantWoman has been thinking about her role as family lentil expert tonight. RantWoman likes legumes. RantWoman even works out of her home a lot so RantWoman theoretically could stop over at the stove periodically and give a seething pot of legumes a stir. RantWoman could do this, but sometimes even that small step RantWoman finds too distracting. RantWoman also half means to get herself a small pressure cooker, but that has not occurred either. Instead, RantWoman has done her favorite legume soaking trick:

Measure out the desired volume of dried legumes.

Put in a pan large enough to handle the expansion factor for the legumes involved.

Fill the pan with water, 2-3 times the legume volume. Cover pot. Bring to a boil.

Stir vigorously.

Cover pot.

Turn off heat but leave covered pot on burner.

Come back a few hours later.

Stir pot.

Pour off water after the first or second boilings to help cut down on the things that cause gas. Check to see whether more water is needed and if so, add some.

Repeat the bring to a boil, Stir, cover pot, turn off heat and leave steps.

Somewhere in here add some lemon or lime juice or vinegar to cut down on the enzymes that cause gas.

Repeat the boil, stir, turn off cycle a couple times a day for 2-3 days.

By this time, the legumes will be softened to a point that they will cook in much less time. RantWoman apologizes for lack of precision about time. The lentils she was working with most recently were nearly soft enough to eat after 3 days like this. RantWoman has also had good experience recently with black beans.

RantWoman's other delight after her most recent bout of lentil-boiling: RantWoman was out on her balcony checking whether pots needed any water. Last summer's tomato plants are a raggedy mess, but RantWoman has both chives and multiple pots of parsley! RantWoman had fresh parsley on her taste test bowl of lentils and rice. The flavor was a tad fierce, but RantWoman is absurdly happy anyway!