The Colonoscopy Bonus Plan

 Has RantWoman mentioned that she got to have a colonoscopy recently?

"Got to have? RantWoman are you nuts?"

Probably but not as nuts as someone's sister who had so much fun on her first colonoscopy that, according to her sister, she would have one every 6 months if she could. 

Cue RantWoman's version of the narrative.

--For days ahead cut way back on fiber, nuts, red food and other things RantWoman thrives on. Also omit some vitamins and one blood pressure medication.

--Enjoy one day of only clear liquids, in RantWoman's case apple juice, broth, green jello because jello counts as a clear liquid. That evening, begin the lovely bowel prep liquid. Forget about sleeping because of need to tend to one's bowels.

--Sleep past the hour one is allowed to have anything by mouth.

--Shower, dress, put on one's mask, herd one's undercaffeinated self to the bus. Pay attention to need to get off the bus. Be glad that although it was raining, it was nice misty Seattle rain and RantWoman easily got to the door of the UW Medical Center without getting soaked. (RantWoman heard that it poured while she was indoors.)

The COVID screening.

Yes, indeed, one now gets screened for #COVID  symptoms every time one enters a medical facility. RantWoman and Ambassador Thwack showed up and were greeted by a nice man, RantWoman thinks in some kind of plexiglass enclosure.

First Nice Man asked "What brings you in today?"

"(The bus) I get to have a colonoscopy"

Laughter from someone off to the side.

"Okay would you please read the list of symptoms and tell me whether you are experiencing...?"

Oh Dear. There go RantWoman's glasses and Ambassador Thwack confusing people again.

"Um, I could probably read the list if my nose were mere inches from... could you please read ...?"

Cough? All the time. No worse than ever.

Loss of taste or smell? Nope but ravenously hungry so not smelling might be a good thing.

Diarrhea? Um, I have been doing bowel prep for hours and I really need to use the restroom before I go to Admitting. RantWoman scored a nice cleared for the day sticker and Nice Man told RantWoman the restroom is over there and Admitting is Over There. Luckily RantWoman already knew which "over there" was where.

The paperwork.

Admitting means Forms To Sign. The Forms to Sign are all bound in nice plastic sheets. Theoretically one can read on the spot. Theoretically RantWoman could whip out her phone, photograph the forms, send them to some OCR app and then have the phone read them to her. RantWoman is a nerd in general and a collector of lexicography specimens in particular. So sometimes she wants to read every word of such documents. Sometimes RantWoman just listens to the descriptions and signs on the signature pad. Sometimes though RantWoman gets crazy ideas: what if the documents she just signed could be findable in the MyChart App? How hard would it be to make that happen If the documents were available for review before the visit, RantWoman might happily even review them in advance, like maybe while half asleep on the bus to the appointment. Stay tuned for this recurring theme.

Coming up Next, review of medications and surgery consent!

Head down the hall to the Digestive Diseases Center. Get the nurse to go over the medications and allergies to medications lists. There is one issue which would be really unlikely to come up around a colonoscopy but that RantWoman probably should just be rabid about documenting Every Damn Time, but this time RantWoman let it slide.

Now time to change clothes, get an IV, talk to the doctor about consent. Again, RantWoman would be happy to review the medications list and the consent form at home in advance. But a girl can dream.

"RantWoman, your blood pressure is a little high."

"Yeah. I have only been feeding myself full of salt / electrolytes for the last 15 hours. And I walked just far enough to get my heart rate up but not far enough to settle into a good rhythm. So how about we hang out for a bit and see if things calm down? " (They did)

By this time one is pretty much just talking freight. Things in the procedure room got started smoothly and with good cheer. RantWoman is happy not to remember anything after the lights got turned down until she woke up peering more directly than she would have preferred out into the nurses' station.

The Bonus procedure!

The short version of the after procedure chat with the doctor: the colonoscopy results were fine. There were fewer and smaller polyps found than five years ago. But the Dr. decided she could not see the top of RantWoman's colon as well as she hoped so RantWoman  also got to have a CT scan. (RantMom had colon cancer 16 years ago near the top of her colon so RantWoman decided she needed just to cope.)

Luckily, instead of the first proposal, wait three hours with nothing to eat or drink, or a different option, come back another day and do another round of bowel prep then, RantWoman got fitted into the schedule fairly quickly. Fitted     into the schedule as in first, pump about 4 liters of air into one's abdomen, have the tech massage one's body until the air spreads in as many of the desired places as possible, get rolled around several different ways and then rolled into and out of the scanner with instructions not to breathe while the imaging is occurring, and finally lie painfully on one's now balloon of a stomach for the last round of images.

By this time RantWoman was good and GRUMPY, partly just dehydrated and headachy from that so a speedy trip home was a HUGE gift.

But no, RantWoman is not done! Today RantWoman got both a call from  doctor and a message in MyChart: Things Turned Up and  another CT scan, this time with contrast to look at things outside the colon is now on the horizon. 

But at least it's not COVID!